It Started With...(Or Creativity in 2018)

It started with a conversation I had with an Uber driver in Atlanta.  It was the most vulnerable I’d been with someone in years.  The truth is that I’ve grown so accustomed to playing the role of myself that I often do it without thinking.  It’s easier to tell everyone that things are great, that I have things under control, that I’m happy than it is to share my truth: I’m confused sometimes. I’m lonely sometimes.  I don’t really know what I want.  People admired me, relied on me, and needed me.  I knew it. I felt it.  I carried it with me every day and I never wanted to disappoint them.  At some point, I became so worried about pleasing everyone else that I forgot to consider the possibility I might disappoint myself. 

The conversation started discussing class, gentrification and welfare.  Atlanta’s rain whispered on the rooftop of his car and trap music played like classical chamber music in the background of his Chevrolet.  I shared with him that I was in town on business. 

“Do you like what you do?” he asked. 

“Yes, I do.  I’m blessed.” I said.  I was shocked at how automatically the words flowed from my mouth, almost scripted.

“How long have you been working in education?” 

“About 10 years...” I said, calculating silently in my head.  Damn. 10 years.

“Do you think you’ll die doing the same thing?” he asked next.

The question shook me.  It wasn’t the type of question I was accustomed to answering in auto-pilot.  It made me stop.  In reality, this is a question I had always been procrastinating on answering myself.  It was quiet for a moment.  He glanced back at me from the rearview mirror, patiently. Expectantly.  I let the question linger.

“I don’t know,” I finally said.  “There’s definitely some other things I’d love to explore, but I don’t know.  We’ll see,” I shrugged. 

We’ll see.

  Those words had practically become my slogan and sometimes become my crutch.  It transitioned from a phrase of faith in the universe and divine order to a phrase of helplessness…or perhaps fear.  I expected the conversation to stop.  Most small talk conversations would stop there, partially because people are polite and partially because people don’t tend to really care.  He. Didn’t. Stop.

“Well, what else do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I guess, I’ve always been a creative person and I haven’t made much time to focus on my own creative projects recently.  I miss that.”

“Sounds like you do know,” he said, “guess it’s just time to do it.”

That was it.  That’s how it started.

I started asking myself three questions:

·      What are you good at?

·      What do you like?

·      Are you doing what you want to be doing?

It seemed simple.  If I could answer those three questions at any time in my life and see patterns, then my life was in alignment.  If I couldn’t, then it wasn’t.  Spoiler alert:  I couldn’t answer those questions. 

And this is how the journey begins.  I’m grateful for my life.  I’ve worked HARD for this life.  I’ve been blessed with incredible opportunities, have an amazing education, a great job and supportive colleagues, and the Bay Area housing gods even blessed me with an affordable studio in San Francisco (which, if you’re familiar with the Bay Area, you know is miraculous).  My life is good.  I am grateful.  I am blessed.

I also know that I’m not completely in alignment.  I am a creator. I’m a writer. I’m a performer. I’m a poet. I’m a dreamer. That is part of who I am. That is part of my purpose. This journey is about rediscovering the answers to those three questions, about reactivating my creativity, about being my most authentic self.

In 2018, I am rededicating myself to creativity. This journey is about honoring myself and my gifts. I hope it serves as an inspiration to others to do the same. Imagine a world where we all stepped into our gifts and power without shame, without apology, without chases for “likes” or approval.

Hello, 2018.  I embrace you.  Fearlessly. Lovingly. Joyfully. Humbly. With a full heart and a creative spirit.

And so it begins.